The Formation of Ego
I would like to look at what creates the ego because it is not possible to have a full understanding of the dismantling process, without assimilating how it is formed.
In very early life, there is the experience of either subtle or overt tensions. This may begin in the embryo, but certainly once birth occurs this is almost always the immediate experience. When these clashing energies arise, a numbing, protective shell comes in to soften this sudden intensity, like a warrior's armoring. This armoring alleviates the energetic friction and numbs the intensity, but it also numbs all feeling and creates the experience of someone that is separate.
What creates this shell are all the interactive dynamics that are present in early childhood and this is what I refer to as the construct, the imprint. It is all created by an interactive dynamic, not by one separate being. It is the relationship of Mommy to Daddy, Mommy to me, Daddy to me, siblings, friends, that give rise to the nature of the shell, which then causes the formation of the personality that experiences life as me. The personality is created through all of these influences.
Out of the birth of this shell is the experience of me, and the experience of other. The shell itself has created all the particulars about me, all of what feels familiar, what I like and don’t like, what feels safe and unsafe.
It is like this seamless piece of glass that cannot even be discerned because it is unbroken. And then upon birth, it is dropped and broken into all of these fragments. The biggest fragment is me, the one who has built the shell, the one who then experiences all of the emotions and thoughts and perspectives. The second and third biggest pieces are usually Mommy and Daddy, and then the pieces get smaller. But what has been fragmented remains broken and is kept safe and tucked away under the armor.
And then there is this maneuvering in life to get away from these influences which caused the initial shattering and resultant armoring. There is an attempt to always stay away from the conflicts which caused the need for the protection. And yet no matter how hard you try, it replays itself over and over again, causing what the mind defines as the problems in life.
So every player finds themselves in this life’s dream. And they see themselves as the focal one and everything else as other. And they go into meditation where the others are not there, and it feels safe. They can do this internal work which is of very great importance. It removes the habit of distraction; it slows the patterning and spinning of mind which is driven by trying to get away from everything internal. Now you can begin to meet these inner pieces that you have been constantly running away from.
But there is also a role in the dream itself. If there is true surrender, then every stimulus which is defined by mind as external becomes an avenue to meet the internal reactivity. When this meeting is true and whole, what is recognized is that this internal reactivity has always just been looking for that which can hold it, that which does not abandon it. The external stimulus brings up the internal pieces that created the armor. This occurred at the time because the experience was of there being no safe haven. But now you are the safe haven, and the external stimulus becomes the vehicle to meet the internal condition. And each time it is used this way, something that formed the shell is dissolved by love. As this occurs, there begins to be the feeling of the continuous nature of external and internal, how it is all your perception. It is not broken; it is a continuum.
There is this deeper trust of things, this deeper opening into everything. It becomes so clear that nothing new ever happens, that all issue is internal. What is external stimulus only sets off internal reaction and the internal reaction is always old. It becomes obvious that what is perceived to be external is only perception. It is actually coming from this buried internal turbulence that was hidden away from you by this protective armor, and which created the experience that you are separate, that you are other than. But every time the external play offers the grace that it is always offering, some internal element is healed and freed and released, and the armoring begins to dissolve on its own.
Eventually all of the fragmented pieces begin to coalesce. What was broken begins feeling whole. What was external begins to be felt as yourself. Inside and outside begin to fall away. What was permeating the whole dream begins becoming the flavor, and it is pure beauty. At this point the human aspect, that which was broken and ignorant and hidden, becomes complete. It is like a child of yours who is ready to go away to college, as opposed to wanting to send your child away because they are making you miserable. The ego is not a getting away from, it is a making whole. When it is whole it disappears on its own.
In this natural movement, what opens up is this love affair that is driving everything, that is overflowing into everything, that is so wildly alive.
There is nothing to search for, there is nowhere to go. It is not getting “enlightened” to get away from the human condition. It is the recognition that the one source is everywhere in everything, all of the time. There is no one left to do anything. And then there is the taste of peace and joy which holds a whole new dimension. It is infused with love which is the passion that brings everything to light.
Then meditation is not defined by what someone is doing. It is the constant attitude of being. And now that the walls have broken apart, each time some player moves into your sphere who is in great suffering, the pain is imbibed. And in this, something burns deeper that opens the doorway even more.
Initially it was the meeting of what was called your broken pieces. But eventually, one becomes the vessel that welcomes the broken pieces of all humanity. And each time they are met and received and taken in, something becomes more whole. And in this wholeness, the taste of the passion and the love and the beauty ignites more deeply. And eventually what was the separate self is absorbed by the heart of eternity and there is the falling into the Absolute. It is this final step that every player is searching for.